Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Stages of grief

Not that I want my blog to be all about guys..and my "relationship struggles" but that is where I'm at right now..

So I've been thinking a lot about this guy..and what went wrong..bla bla bla. It makes me angry and sad.

The last thing he said was " I need to slow down things..but I dont' want to lose you in my life just because I am not ready for a relationship...I cherish you..we're in this together..."
These words serve as only a sting to my heart right now because i haven't heard from him in almost two weeks. The part of me that longs to trust someone now feels a little less trusting. It scares me how much I fell for him. I think I even told people that I thought he might be the one. What a fool I was. Or at least that's how I feel.
I talk to people about it and the advice is.."let it go, forget it..he's not worth it.. live your life..." All fair advice but I just dont' feel like it right now. The other advice Trust God, he's faithful...always good..that feels a little better to me. Sometimes I work so hard to understand the "why" of everything...and get so frustrated. Why did God bring this man into my life so I could fall for him and care for him, just for it to end like all the rest? I dont' understand and I don't know why. What I do know and have to cling to is that God is ALWAYS ALWAYS faithful to me, even when it hurts. Even when people don't understand and just look at me with a "gosh aren't you over it yet look," God will always understand, care, and is always faithful. He is worthy of my trust. He is the ONLY one that is.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Blue Christmas

"I'll have a blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue thinking about you
Decorations of Red on a green Christmas Tree
Won't be the same dear if you're not here with Me

And when those snowflakes start falling
That's when those blue memories start calling
You'll be doing alright with your Christmas of White
But I'll have a blue blue Christmas

You'll be doing alright with your Christmas of White ..
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas. "


It's the most wonderful time of the year...for some..unless you aren't feeling it:( Unless you just got your heart broken and you got screamed at by your father....feeling a little blue..
I'm fighting for joy and fighting back emotion, and also fighting to see the things around me that I AM thankful for!

Christmas is so often filled with so many expectations of joy, perfection, happiness, peace. Life, well, it doesn't always FEEL that way. But the good thing about it for those of who know the Lord is that Jesus has come! He came as a babe to bring peace and redeem all the broken parts of the world AND us. Thank God there is something more than the commercialized fakeness that sometimes we see around us, and the expectations of perfection. So fight, fight for Joy when the world is sometimes spinning with chaos around you, and know that you and I can have that deep settled peace in knowing there is something bigger than this. I know that's what I'm fighting for.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Monday, December 20, 2010


I've been listening to the song "beautiful" by Mercy Me lately.
It's a beautiful song. Such a reminder that we are cherished and loved by the LORD. The words they use are, "you are treasured you are sacred, you are HIS". As a woman we long to be treasured, and as a single woman sometimes we question why we have not found that person to treasure us. But this song is a reminder that I ALREADY am. I do not have to search for something, because It's already there. Sometimes I long for the Lord to show me in a real way, in a tangible way, His love. Sometimes I long to FEEL held. I think the Lord sometimes uses pain in our lives so that we can experience Him.
In Job 13:15 Job says, "Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him." Job was not exercising blind faith when he had the courage to say those words. Job had a relationship with the Lord and even though he did not understand God's methods his relationship with God was enough to give him the strength to Trust. I was talking to my pastor and his wife about just my recent experience and through tears saying, but I TRUST God, what else can I do? So I say through tears and throwing my hands up at times, I trust the Lord, what else can I do?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Sweetly Broken

So I've felt really broken lately. BROKEN. No I'm not being melodramatic. Some say in college I had that tendency but I would hope I've matured a bit since then.
I met this guy about 6 months ago.."remet" and lately it's been a roller coaster. I'm tired. I wonder what the Lord has for me? I wonder how many more roller coasters...of love..I will take a ride on. I'm ready to get off the ride. Lately this guy has been push pull. I think he's scared, scared of letting go and loving someone, scared of being hurt. Who knows, something could still work out, but it's going to take a God intervention and healing in his life.
So in the past I've really been afraid to put myself out there and love someone, but with this guy I gave my all , still guarded my heart but was able to put myself out there in a way that I have never been before. This feels like a huge step for me. But I'm left feeling a bit raw, broken, wondering what God has next for me.
The upside is that I know that God is the strength of my heart and my portion. He is the lover of my soul. My favorite verse reads, " My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26 . I think in moments of rawness the Lord can really show up and meet us, so I'm expecting and hoping for that.